Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
three things we don’t talk about
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me