You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
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I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
you gotta be faster
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”