i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
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I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
this could fix me
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Sheep
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.