contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
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I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Pringles
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.