(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
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I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.