One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
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Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ