You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
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How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.