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i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
*frowns in Scottish*
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem