I need a headline like this
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe