I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
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Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I’m confused about plants
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be