I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT