When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
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My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Going to church you guys need anything
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder