have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
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It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Not helping
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad