stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
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I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I missed you with all my darts
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”