Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
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Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job