It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
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Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”