There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
You Might Also Like
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
True statement👍😏😁
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
2023 was just a warmup