Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
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me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781