Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
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ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that