Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
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With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?