If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
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just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
mumsnet is amazing
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
This meal prepping shit is easy
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.