don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
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*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Barbie gone wild
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.