I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
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When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!