hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
gentlemen, hear me out
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*