NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
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him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Monday?
No. Next question.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Shortcut
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight