I love the smell of relapse in the morning
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teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
My teenage children choosing violence
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.