Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
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Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I didn’t come here to be called names
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Shoo shoo! 😂
oh no, steve’s working tonight
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.