*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
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Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
black phone good
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.