When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
You Might Also Like
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Just why bro?!
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf