ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
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PARKOUR
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
being a writer on Twitter:
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers