[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
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Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
it must be school picture day
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.