*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
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Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos