i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store