Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
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In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Always
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.