Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
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Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically