Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
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sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Somebody call the cops.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up