“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
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Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die