Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
You Might Also Like
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
The Sun
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it