“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
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Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I’m giving up ice.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.