I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
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God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Someone just threatened to call me later
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
If only.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.