your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
me, too, girl. me, too.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.