If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
You Might Also Like
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.