I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
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My good tweets are in my other pants.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*