Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
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This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.