Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
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There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Just parrot things
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Terribly Tuesday.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Not today, today.
Not today.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times