People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
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I would move hell over six inches for you
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.