Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
this article brought to you by lions
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
How do you milk an almond?
They’re really bad with fonts.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.