“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
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running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.