[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
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So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
you will never know the true number of layers
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair