I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
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Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke